reflections|snoitcelfer

YIPPIE! Passed my tp today! I guess out of all the tests that i took for driving btt etc., this is the most stressful test of all. Before the test my hands felt all so cold and trembling. HAHAS! But kinda happy that i finally got my license! WOOTS! Drove mum’s car from bbdc to dad’s stall after the test and the feeling is simply AWESOME! Too bad mum has to start work early today so i only got to drive round a little and too bad, i have no confidence in driving dad’s for it is just too long for a new driver like me.  >.< more driving on the roads to come! happy~

Indeed, this blog looks abandoned for quite a long time. but i guess not updating meant nothing much triggered my thoughts enough for me to pen down here, so its pretty much a good thing?

As time passes in the army, the monotonous life right there allows ample time for you to think through alot. Maybe its also due to this irritating sensitivity of mine, a little action causes me to read alot into it. With this character that i have dread for a lifetime, emo-ing became an inevitable part of my life. Sometimes i really wish i can really be how i portray myself to be, ever so happy-go-lucky, ever so cheerful. But i guess, by cheering people up each day, i’ve left no energy to make myself a happier person.

Frederick neo, more often than not, wishes that he is a more insensitive person, someone who can love himself a little more. At times, i really find myself a slave. A slave in relationships. How much i forgo my pride in hope of maintaing friendships, but time and again failed. Maybe after losing those important people time and again, you get so afraid that there is a next to come. Alot told me i shouldn’t devote so much for i’m doing far too much. i tried to remind myself time and again. but i can’t seem to control. At times, i really wish i can go up to the rooftop, standing at the highest point of a block of flats, looking at those very people rushing through life…

He once told me how envious he is of me, for surrounding me is an endless circle of friends. I just smiled looking at the very text. Smiled as usual, not because i’m happy, but for realising how pathetic i might be… So what if you are surrounded but deep down inside you just feel all so empty? Like i always say, i rather have just a few close friends who really understands me and stay by my side whether it rains or shines… Isn’t that better? Or is it just the ugly nature that man never gets satisfied with what they have?…

People often say, relationships and objects alike, they are hard to make but easy to break. In the past, i don’t really believe in this saying, for to me, as long as you devote yourself, as long as you give enough, things will last. For now, i realised how naive i have been. Remember those days when we wrote in our “gruaduation autographs” sweet poems and lines saying how we wish the very friendship we had will last forever, words like “friends forever”, words like “keep in touch” in hope for a forever that never exists. Maybe thats why lines like that  are called wishes, for what you wish for might not neccessarily come true. In life, people come and go and it is just part and parcel of life. Whatever friends forever doesn’t actually exist at all… You might be all so close today, sharing your every moment together, but with a little mistake, everything will go down to drain. No matter how much you have done in the past, it is not taken into consideration. Practical you might say, for in society, relationships and work alike, people rarely praise you for what you have done… But with a little mistake that you might make, all your hard work will get washed into the drains… I’m afraid to fall, but at times, i wonder what i’m working so hard for – for the day that all my efforts get wiped off? Cruel. What a word to describe life.

I guess i should really be thankful that my parents allowed me to lead a carefree life from young. With that, i never knew how hard money comes and how easy those pieces of paper goes off. Having entered ns, i tried as much as possible to be self- sufficient, paying for my own bills and living. Now, i finally understand the term “hard earned money”. Those pieces of paper really don’t come by easy, how much stress and sweat it takes to earn those pathetic few pieces which barely allows you to survive in this world, where money makes it go round. I promise myself, like what my parents have spared me from, i’ll never let my children suffer from the evil side of money. Though saying so, i wonder if i even want to have children in future…

In ns, my brain cells seems to be degenerating… As days pass by with only usage of muscles and little of the brains, it seems like i have become more stupid. Maybe cause of so, i fail to realise what is going on around me. Leading an aimless life in ns for more than a year, i guess its time for me to find back the old me, find a aim in life and start working towards it. Maybe books are what i shall start to work on… I really lost touch of this world of mine… Though so, at the same time with my brains less occupied, it got me to realise many sad facts of life…

This much of emoing for now… Saving the rest till next time…

i hope i pray. no matter what it takes. forgive me. i’m sorry.