reflections|snoitcelfer

Whatever you are doing is just making things worse.

I feel so confined and this feeling really sucks, like a bird trapped in a cage. i know the exit is not locked but my mind tells me not to get out of it. I don’t understand why. Sucks to be me.

Really looking forward to getting into uni. Maybe being out alone is a much better option. Maybe hostel is a better option.

Spare me from the distractions and the interferences.

The right things always come at the wrong time…

The wrong things always come at the worse time…

I’m hurt. Really…

Walked in the rain to deliver it to u after swimming cause B told me u weren’t feeling well… Reached your house but you didn’t pick up your call so i left it outside. I thought you will be happy tt u have got the medicine for you look really sick. I was wrong.

Im hurt. Really…

You always say im dumb. This time, maybe i really am.

Looking at the last dated post, i guess its been quite some time since i last visit this blog of mine and pen down my thoughts. No doubt a lot of things happened for the past 4 months, but laziness seems to deter me from penning down those thoughts of mine.

With the unchangeable character of mine, 9 out of 10 posts on my blog seems to be rather emo, and this hasn’t change though i just turned 20 2 days ago. Once again, Frederick is making reflections of things that he just couldn’t get over. For the past 4 months, i guess i achieved a little something in life – passing my traffic police test for  driving (and ever since been driving quite frequently), clearing all those outfield and what have you not for army, going through wallaby which was described to be the suckiest outfield ever (but turns out to be rather bearable), and now, breaking into the 20s.

Sometimes, I really ask myself this question – having lived 19 years of my life, what exactly have I learnt? what exactly have i achieved? what exactly have i done that is enough for me to feel proud of myself? Something to trigger my thoughts and ponder about, but never have i got any answers to those questions… Pretty sad huh?

Though I’m into my 20s, i guess i still haven’t change the way i treat my friends. Reading posts dated as early as the days in JC or even in secondary, it is pretty evident that I always have problems with whom I see as “close” to. Time and again, I blame it on fate, for some fortune-teller told me some stuffs that I always brood over, but im into my 20s now, and its pretty much time to grow up I guess? Blame it on my character. That’s pretty much the problem with why I keep losing people whom I think I’m close to. More often than not, this weird character of mine tend to see friends as way too important a factor of my life (sometimes it’s so bad that a small gesture can affect my mood by a great deal). Jealousy – can you define that to be? Getting too easily jealous tends to spoil things, and I need to control this in order to succeed in relationships. Easier said than done? But my 20th birthday resolution – to start having an open heart, and take things easy. Hopefully I’ll be able to start controlling my emotions instead of having them take control of my life.

That day when i was doing my sentry duty, there is this st guy who came to talk to me about life. His words got me into deep thoughts about what i really want in life. He slapped me hard with this very question “if i now give you a few hundred dollars to spend (totally free that is), what will you spend it on?”. For many people out there, upon hearing a few hundred dollars, i guess i can safely say there will be lots of thoughts rushing through your mind on how to use this money. For me, i had only 2. First, a few hundred dollars is too little to buy a car. Second, spend it on trips out, treating my friends to a good meal. Kind of a loser huh? The st shot me with this comment “all you can think of is going out with your friends? are u living for them or yourself?” For them, or maybe sometimes in a worse case scenario, for one.  Is it time to really change?…

What are friends to me?

What am I to them?

I really wonder… But in this practical world of ours… I doubt ill ever find the true answer.

YIPPIE! Passed my tp today! I guess out of all the tests that i took for driving btt etc., this is the most stressful test of all. Before the test my hands felt all so cold and trembling. HAHAS! But kinda happy that i finally got my license! WOOTS! Drove mum’s car from bbdc to dad’s stall after the test and the feeling is simply AWESOME! Too bad mum has to start work early today so i only got to drive round a little and too bad, i have no confidence in driving dad’s for it is just too long for a new driver like me.  >.< more driving on the roads to come! happy~

Indeed, this blog looks abandoned for quite a long time. but i guess not updating meant nothing much triggered my thoughts enough for me to pen down here, so its pretty much a good thing?

As time passes in the army, the monotonous life right there allows ample time for you to think through alot. Maybe its also due to this irritating sensitivity of mine, a little action causes me to read alot into it. With this character that i have dread for a lifetime, emo-ing became an inevitable part of my life. Sometimes i really wish i can really be how i portray myself to be, ever so happy-go-lucky, ever so cheerful. But i guess, by cheering people up each day, i’ve left no energy to make myself a happier person.

Frederick neo, more often than not, wishes that he is a more insensitive person, someone who can love himself a little more. At times, i really find myself a slave. A slave in relationships. How much i forgo my pride in hope of maintaing friendships, but time and again failed. Maybe after losing those important people time and again, you get so afraid that there is a next to come. Alot told me i shouldn’t devote so much for i’m doing far too much. i tried to remind myself time and again. but i can’t seem to control. At times, i really wish i can go up to the rooftop, standing at the highest point of a block of flats, looking at those very people rushing through life…

He once told me how envious he is of me, for surrounding me is an endless circle of friends. I just smiled looking at the very text. Smiled as usual, not because i’m happy, but for realising how pathetic i might be… So what if you are surrounded but deep down inside you just feel all so empty? Like i always say, i rather have just a few close friends who really understands me and stay by my side whether it rains or shines… Isn’t that better? Or is it just the ugly nature that man never gets satisfied with what they have?…

People often say, relationships and objects alike, they are hard to make but easy to break. In the past, i don’t really believe in this saying, for to me, as long as you devote yourself, as long as you give enough, things will last. For now, i realised how naive i have been. Remember those days when we wrote in our “gruaduation autographs” sweet poems and lines saying how we wish the very friendship we had will last forever, words like “friends forever”, words like “keep in touch” in hope for a forever that never exists. Maybe thats why lines like that  are called wishes, for what you wish for might not neccessarily come true. In life, people come and go and it is just part and parcel of life. Whatever friends forever doesn’t actually exist at all… You might be all so close today, sharing your every moment together, but with a little mistake, everything will go down to drain. No matter how much you have done in the past, it is not taken into consideration. Practical you might say, for in society, relationships and work alike, people rarely praise you for what you have done… But with a little mistake that you might make, all your hard work will get washed into the drains… I’m afraid to fall, but at times, i wonder what i’m working so hard for – for the day that all my efforts get wiped off? Cruel. What a word to describe life.

I guess i should really be thankful that my parents allowed me to lead a carefree life from young. With that, i never knew how hard money comes and how easy those pieces of paper goes off. Having entered ns, i tried as much as possible to be self- sufficient, paying for my own bills and living. Now, i finally understand the term “hard earned money”. Those pieces of paper really don’t come by easy, how much stress and sweat it takes to earn those pathetic few pieces which barely allows you to survive in this world, where money makes it go round. I promise myself, like what my parents have spared me from, i’ll never let my children suffer from the evil side of money. Though saying so, i wonder if i even want to have children in future…

In ns, my brain cells seems to be degenerating… As days pass by with only usage of muscles and little of the brains, it seems like i have become more stupid. Maybe cause of so, i fail to realise what is going on around me. Leading an aimless life in ns for more than a year, i guess its time for me to find back the old me, find a aim in life and start working towards it. Maybe books are what i shall start to work on… I really lost touch of this world of mine… Though so, at the same time with my brains less occupied, it got me to realise many sad facts of life…

This much of emoing for now… Saving the rest till next time…

i hope i pray. no matter what it takes. forgive me. i’m sorry.

Some how what happened triggered me to feel damn pissed and upset. It has been super long since i get so worked up, and this feeling really sucks for i have nowhere to vent my anger.

Recently, i feel that I’m walking on an unlucky path. Nothing feel right and nothing has worked out right. For pretty much no reason, i failed my tp twice, for pretty much no reason, i get easily annoyed… For being just unlucky, i lose on my bets. AND FOR NOW! GET MALIGNED! this is seriously WHAT THE FUCK!

Honestly, when have i ever rejected when asked to help? Whenever i’m approached with a task, since when have i not put in my hundred and ten percent to complete any task that im entrusted with? This time round, it is not that i don’t want to help but just you being freaking impatient and you are blaming me for not helping?! I can’t believe people can be so unreasonable and nonsensical. Here i am trying to do rush for my deadline and there you are asking me to help for a plain reason that you just came back from the garage and you are lazy to go back! What the hell is such an excuse. Furthermore, i didn’t even rejected your request! I even took over the documents, ready to go over! Can’t you wait a little while, while people work out the very last bit of the table that we have spent hours on? It is your impatience that you took over the documents and say that you will go over yourself, and here you are complaining that we refused to help! WHAT A JOKE!

Damn. but somehow this brought me to realise something… No matter how hard you work, no matter how much effort you put in, you will not be recognise. No one really cares and what you do are often taken for granted, like you have you and are meant to do. Fuck! But i owe you nothing dude! Wake up your idea. Seriously… After much that happened recently, i realised it’s not about how capable you are, not about how much effort you put in. Everything here is about you aceing your IPPT and passing your SOC. As long as you attain the 2 requirements, you are a good soldier, you are the best! If you don’t, no matter what you do, you are nothing! On the contrary, if you do, even if you are someone who slackens off much, even if you are someone who can be happily enjoying yourself while people sweat like mad in the garage, you can be crowned a good soldier or even the best.

Damn. I hate this.

Today marks the end of  a week of block leave. (>.<) Sometimes you really can’t go for such long breaks for you will not want to go back after getting a taste of how good civilian life can be.

Went Batam with Johnny, ShiDa, KianTat, Royston, Noel Tan, Nicholas, WeiShi, ZiKai, Noel Aug on the 12th – 13th  June 2010!  This is the very first time i go on a overseas trip with my friends (not considering saf trips like that to new zealand) and its really a different feel as to going overseas with your family. Just like everything else, there are pros and cons to going overseas with your friends. Pros being more fun with people of your age, much daring to try out every single stuff available, people of common interest hence maximising the time spent overseas… Cons being you really have to be super budget conscious. HAHA! Being overseas with your parents can easily mean you just buy any and everything that you like without having to worry that you run out of cash. LOLS!

Anyways, this trip to Batam has been a pretty fun and fulfilling one. Went to try out lots of stuff like water sports which is seriously addictive, making me feel like flying to thailand to try out more of such sports, which are supposedly more challenging. Enjoyed the time over at the bridge’s restaurant where such a sumptous meal cost nothing but ten plus dollars per person! HAHAS. Though counting their currencies is quite a hassle, but looking at the many zeros that you have makes you feel like a millionnaire! Shopping there could easily get up to a million plus… XD Looking forward to the next overseas trip!

Urgh… Seriously can’t stand the idea that today is the end of the block leave… I don’t wanna go back~ Although what weijian says is pretty true, that at least i have a group of fun-loving campmates making life in camp much better than what it might have been. But still~~~ Guess once i get back to camp i’ll feel less of this reluctance to return when i get to see my fellow comarades. HAHA! lets hope that will be the case bahs. (>.<)

Feel really useless and unlucky. for the 2nd time i failed my tp!!! usually people fail tp due to the lack in skills, mounting curb and stuff… but both my failures happen to be due to my lack of luck.

When i was driving on the road today, i thought i’ll sure pass this test, with everything going on so super smoothly… but when i stepped out of the car and saw my instructor, he just said “凶多吉少”. i was still thinking why he said that when my driving today was rather ok… Now i know why… Cause the tester that i got is famous for not passing people’s tp. Even the counter’s assistant said the same thing. =.= why am i always that unlucky?

Maybe im just not fated to pass this driving shit… Giving up.

Kinda like how I spent the day…  It’s just so different to be out here, without restrictions, having the freedom to do anything and everything that you want at any point of time that you might feel right to.

Went to beauty world plaza with johnny this afternoon (kinda a last-minute decision) and bought some stuff for a secret making… HAHS. Never judge a book by its cover fits perfectly on him… A hard cover book with soft pages within is how i think we can describe him to be. LOLS.

Sometimes, it really is a joy to be making special things for special someone… and this makes me feel like having a special someone to make special things for. LOLS. Anyways, it feels kinda good to be slacking around after a considerably hectic week…

GRR… Chem defence week ahead… Heard lots of stories bout this really sucky course, but oh wells, guess one have no choice but to endure through these 2 days of sufferings. Lets just hope that we will not need to kiss our nights out goodbye because of this.

*Praying that everything will go on well *

Finally home~ I must agree, nowhere on earth will feel as good as being home – a place that sheltered you from rain and shine all these years. Being in army for more than a year, i admit that one has grown to be more independent, less reliant on others.  Though being able to stay away from home without any emotional distress, it just feels different when you are home once again. (>.<)

These few weeks has been really unlucky for me, stuffs like getting “punished” for what i don’t really agree to (having no choice but to just accept). However, i must say through such unlucky experiences, it really allows one to see the other side of life that they haven’t. Having been through mood swings with these unhappy events, i got to understand how much the people around me cares for me. I’m not good at sweet talking straight into people’s face, but i would like to thank everyone who has spurred me on in one way or another. For a moment  in life, i was blinded from all the good that people are giving me, not being really appreciative of the stuffs that people has done for me. This very moment, however, i got to see those care and concern from people who really loved me. It just takes a little “take care”, a little ” it’ll be over soon”, a little “don’t be sad” that will make you feel loved, giving you strength to carry on. True enough, these few words got me to feel less lonely during those confinement period.

Guess one will not be super unlucky, for every unlucky occurence are often accompanied by something comforting. Lucky enough, confinement period was spent with chong chen and noel which makes things much better than it might have been. I must say this has been the most fulfilling confinement ever! Went to the gym during those boring weekends where tv stations play nothing but the most lousy that you can ever expect. Went to try out low rope that i finally conquered and hopefully will be able to pass the whole test soon. Went back to doing those killing abs exercises which made my head swirl and spin. Watched like 4 movies? of which one made me cry and think a lot. (Learning how to understand animal’s emotions is like learning to understand people around us.) – this line i totally agree, for human and people alike, we need to use our heart to feel for the other part and not our brains. I always believe that its our heart that we are using when making friends and not the mind. Though saying so, i don’t deny in current society, its more often than not the mind that’s used. However, as much as i can, i hope that every single individual around me will use a truthful heart to feel for the others.

Having said all those lengthy reflections of mine, i really pray and wish that I’ll pass all test that might be awaiting me. Test in both contexts. I got to realise how people see only the result and not care about the procedure. No matter how hard you might try, no one will see and understand. All they care for is the end result in black and white that can be presented right to their face. What a hard cold fact of life huh? Just like no matter how much effort you might be putting in, how capable you might be, you might not be even comparable to some who is less capable than you are but who has plain physical strengths. Sometimes I wonder, in army, should we focus more on the muscles or the brains? Though I never support the idea of the muscles winning over the brains, it seems to me to be the way here. Food for thought huh?

*Praying for a good week ahead.*

Back home for nights out… Thought that I shall make a small post…
Things have been getting out of hand recently. Sometimes them not being able to understand and appreciate are making things worse… >.< why can't they stop seeing things from their limited point of view and stop doing things that causes more trouble and displeasure
Humans are just too stubborn at times… Shouldn't we learn to give and take?

I <3 BAKING! LOLS!

Johnny and Shida came over to my house for a baking session today! Thanks to chef Johnny, got to try baking some meringue covered strawberry cake and the baking of meringue…

Gosh, didn’t know chefs have such a hard time trying to turn egg white and sugar into some really sticky and “undroppable” mixture (can’t remember the technical name for that. >.<). Anyways, yup! Now I know why johnny got gold for his ippt. Maybe all pastry chef will have that achievement after hours and hours of whisking those eggs.

Anyways, kinda happy for it’s the first time in my entire 19 + years of life that i succeed in baking a cake. Though saying so, most of the time johnny did most of the job. HAHA! Oh, and I didn’t really have to wash up the plates too… Johnny and shida did it all for me… How nice! After the session my kitchen was still spick and span. XD too bad, I’m unable to upload the pics with those photos of the cake in my sis’s iPhone.

Till we have a lesson 2 next week chef!

I’m trying really hard though i don’t know if i can and will succeed…

But till the day i can’t carry on anymore…

I hope you understand my intentions and pain…

My heart hurts a lot… But my mind tells me to carry on…

Avoiding might not be the best solution, but its the best i could think of…

You are too important in my life for me to lose…

It hurts… But i guess i have no choice… Its the only way out… :’(

朋友聚会吵闹的快乐 在她们离开以后变稀薄
走路回家 回像山洞的窝 突然渴望有人 能来接我

泡著热水在浴室赖著 思念却也被滚烫冒烟了
最后的简讯 看到能背了 多久没有再联络 一想还是痛

少了一个人宠爱我
朋友的爱 成分就是不同
最难过 是笑著面对被羡慕自由
练很久的成熟 也快遮掩不住 寂寞

妈妈在电话裏挂念我 上次欲言又止她还记得
喜欢装没事 其实最累了 但我清楚很多事 哭了也没用

少了一个人拥抱我
那种拥抱 能够忘了所有
两个人 就算下雪后赤脚逆著风
也不觉得冰冻 还笑得比阳光 炽热

少了一个人懂得我
能够体会 我倔强又脆弱
不记仇 温柔原谅我情绪太波动
用泪光舍不得 融化我累积的 寂寞

很固执 无条件爱我从来没变过
在大吵的时候 会抱著我 沉默 不动

Yet another day when you will feel emo… Maybe it’s just my luck, nothing seems to go on well for me. sometimes this really make you feel like giving up on whatever you have been holding on so dearly to.
TodAy, I realize a terrible fact… That I’m slowly losing myself because of my sole useless focus now. I guess at times it even lead me to offending others unknowingly, which makes me feel even worse and useless. If only someone can wake me from this silly dream of mine…
I wanna give up, but somewhere deep inside me tells me I can’t… Useless, worthless, brainless… What more words can I use to describe myself???
Till the end, I still keep holding back because of conflicting considerations… Can’t I just be more decisive and heartless?

Kee Ann flew off to india already… Hope he have a safe trip there and back =) be safe my bro! Will miss ya.

Have you felt this way before? Like you are the most unlucky person on earth… Like no matter what you try to do, you never succeed or worse off, you get into trouble.
Yeah. I’m sad, for i’m experiencing such. Nothing seems to go in my way and worse off, troubles seem to love my company. for no reason, I can get +1… hello… I’m out to help with this stupid parade and not for my own enjoyment and here I’m recieving this “treat” for something I didn’t know. How fair huh? But who m I to say anything?
Somehow I feel really tired… So much so that I hope to get into some deep dreams and never get out of it… I’m trying hard to control my feelings and do work as I should and why can’t it be appreciated? Why must unjustifiable claims against me b made? If I really turned bad, name it! Why just say it and leave the rest hanging in the air? I’m heartbrokened. Why? Are my efforts always that insignificant? Must it always b the case that there is no choice that I’m chosen.
My heart hurts… Like there is someone squeezing it hard, not allowing me to live another second.
I hope you r here. At times you r… Others, u r just so far away…
I need rest.

好久好久沒有用文字來表達自己。。。

似乎感覺上生疏了許多。 但這方方正正的文字卻最能表達我的心。。。

縂覺得梁景能好笨啊。。。 怎麽總是覺得看人很准的自己卻跌入了那麽深的個洞裏？

在那寂靜的夜裏，反復的聼著傷心時最想聼的歌曲，時間似乎為我而停了下來。。。

望著那漆黑天空上閃爍的星星。。。 今天的星星代表的似乎不是希望，而是那一顆顆掉下的眼淚。。。

為什麽自己會那麽的愚蠢？有時候愚蠢到不可理喻。。。

明明知道根本不可能，不適合，爲什麽還那麽的努力？

明明知道根本沒希望，沒未來，爲什麽還那麽地堅持？

堅持到底爲了什麽？努力之餘還希望著什麽改變？

很多時候明明説服自己放棄，但下一秒的稍微好就讓什麽“放棄”，什麽“傷心慾絕”都抛到九霄雲外。。。

有時覺得自己好傻。。。 以爲努力改善就能改變什麽。。。 但我錯了。。。

每天反復看著那一針見血的簡訊。。。會傷心，但卻沒有影響自己的付出。就爲什麽我不能放棄？

好羡慕你。。。 其實我的關心都是多餘的。。。 你身邊有這更多關心你的人，更多你希望他們關心的人，更多能給你帶來微笑的人，更多你需要的人。我的存在只不過是多餘，只不過是厭煩，只不過是農作物裏的害蟲。。。

我不斷地告訴我自己要消失，但卻一直做不到。。。

天啊。。。 我要學著想通，學著放手。。。

不再做那強力膠。。。

Lols. this week unlike any other weeks in army, seem to be the shortest week ever. Hahas. Booked in on sunday night, booked out on monday night, went for a half day event on tue morning, booked in on tue night, booked out on wed night and the very next day i’ll have to book in will be a monday night ( since i’ve applied for overseas leave ).

Kinda weird week though. Too good a thing makes people worry for i don’t believe life is all so safe sailing. >.< in anyways, looking forward to this sat’s trip~ Family outing. XD

Yayee! Got half day today… and for the first time its really half day cux the event ended at like 12? XD

Went to swim with chong chen after the event. 51 laps! woots… its been a long time since i last swam such a distance and it felt really good. (: But i thought the strong sun will tan away all ugly tan lines… but to my greatest horror!!! I’VE GOT A SINGLET TAN LINE FROM TODAY’S EVENT! damn sad. praying that thursday will be of good weather… then i can go do away those tan lines.

Sometimes it feels so good to be truthful…

Though i must admit, at some wrong timings, being truthful might just be disastrous.

Today is a rare opportunity where we get to book out on a monday night! All thanks to arty day. (:

Today is a happy day… its just one sentence… but the smile on my face doesnt seem to fade away… i’m that easily contented. lol. XD

I wish that you will recover soon… take care k? rest well…