I feel so confined and this feeling really sucks, like a bird trapped in a cage. i know the exit is not locked but my mind tells me not to get out of it. I don’t understand why. Sucks to be me.

Really looking forward to getting into uni. Maybe being out alone is a much better option. Maybe hostel is a better option.

Spare me from the distractions and the interferences.

The wrong things always come at the worse time…

Walked in the rain to deliver it to u after swimming cause B told me u weren’t feeling well… Reached your house but you didn’t pick up your call so i left it outside. I thought you will be happy tt u have got the medicine for you look really sick. I was wrong.

Im hurt. Really…

You always say im dumb. This time, maybe i really am.

With the unchangeable character of mine, 9 out of 10 posts on my blog seems to be rather emo, and this hasn’t change though i just turned 20 2 days ago. Once again, Frederick is making reflections of things that he just couldn’t get over. For the past 4 months, i guess i achieved a little something in life – passing my traffic police test for  driving (and ever since been driving quite frequently), clearing all those outfield and what have you not for army, going through wallaby which was described to be the suckiest outfield ever (but turns out to be rather bearable), and now, breaking into the 20s.

Sometimes, I really ask myself this question – having lived 19 years of my life, what exactly have I learnt? what exactly have i achieved? what exactly have i done that is enough for me to feel proud of myself? Something to trigger my thoughts and ponder about, but never have i got any answers to those questions… Pretty sad huh?

Though I’m into my 20s, i guess i still haven’t change the way i treat my friends. Reading posts dated as early as the days in JC or even in secondary, it is pretty evident that I always have problems with whom I see as “close” to. Time and again, I blame it on fate, for some fortune-teller told me some stuffs that I always brood over, but im into my 20s now, and its pretty much time to grow up I guess? Blame it on my character. That’s pretty much the problem with why I keep losing people whom I think I’m close to. More often than not, this weird character of mine tend to see friends as way too important a factor of my life (sometimes it’s so bad that a small gesture can affect my mood by a great deal). Jealousy – can you define that to be? Getting too easily jealous tends to spoil things, and I need to control this in order to succeed in relationships. Easier said than done? But my 20th birthday resolution – to start having an open heart, and take things easy. Hopefully I’ll be able to start controlling my emotions instead of having them take control of my life.

That day when i was doing my sentry duty, there is this st guy who came to talk to me about life. His words got me into deep thoughts about what i really want in life. He slapped me hard with this very question “if i now give you a few hundred dollars to spend (totally free that is), what will you spend it on?”. For many people out there, upon hearing a few hundred dollars, i guess i can safely say there will be lots of thoughts rushing through your mind on how to use this money. For me, i had only 2. First, a few hundred dollars is too little to buy a car. Second, spend it on trips out, treating my friends to a good meal. Kind of a loser huh? The st shot me with this comment “all you can think of is going out with your friends? are u living for them or yourself?” For them, or maybe sometimes in a worse case scenario, for one.  Is it time to really change?…

What are friends to me?

What am I to them?

I really wonder… But in this practical world of ours… I doubt ill ever find the true answer.

As time passes in the army, the monotonous life right there allows ample time for you to think through alot. Maybe its also due to this irritating sensitivity of mine, a little action causes me to read alot into it. With this character that i have dread for a lifetime, emo-ing became an inevitable part of my life. Sometimes i really wish i can really be how i portray myself to be, ever so happy-go-lucky, ever so cheerful. But i guess, by cheering people up each day, i’ve left no energy to make myself a happier person.

Frederick neo, more often than not, wishes that he is a more insensitive person, someone who can love himself a little more. At times, i really find myself a slave. A slave in relationships. How much i forgo my pride in hope of maintaing friendships, but time and again failed. Maybe after losing those important people time and again, you get so afraid that there is a next to come. Alot told me i shouldn’t devote so much for i’m doing far too much. i tried to remind myself time and again. but i can’t seem to control. At times, i really wish i can go up to the rooftop, standing at the highest point of a block of flats, looking at those very people rushing through life…

He once told me how envious he is of me, for surrounding me is an endless circle of friends. I just smiled looking at the very text. Smiled as usual, not because i’m happy, but for realising how pathetic i might be… So what if you are surrounded but deep down inside you just feel all so empty? Like i always say, i rather have just a few close friends who really understands me and stay by my side whether it rains or shines… Isn’t that better? Or is it just the ugly nature that man never gets satisfied with what they have?…

People often say, relationships and objects alike, they are hard to make but easy to break. In the past, i don’t really believe in this saying, for to me, as long as you devote yourself, as long as you give enough, things will last. For now, i realised how naive i have been. Remember those days when we wrote in our “gruaduation autographs” sweet poems and lines saying how we wish the very friendship we had will last forever, words like “friends forever”, words like “keep in touch” in hope for a forever that never exists. Maybe thats why lines like that  are called wishes, for what you wish for might not neccessarily come true. In life, people come and go and it is just part and parcel of life. Whatever friends forever doesn’t actually exist at all… You might be all so close today, sharing your every moment together, but with a little mistake, everything will go down to drain. No matter how much you have done in the past, it is not taken into consideration. Practical you might say, for in society, relationships and work alike, people rarely praise you for what you have done… But with a little mistake that you might make, all your hard work will get washed into the drains… I’m afraid to fall, but at times, i wonder what i’m working so hard for – for the day that all my efforts get wiped off? Cruel. What a word to describe life.

I guess i should really be thankful that my parents allowed me to lead a carefree life from young. With that, i never knew how hard money comes and how easy those pieces of paper goes off. Having entered ns, i tried as much as possible to be self- sufficient, paying for my own bills and living. Now, i finally understand the term “hard earned money”. Those pieces of paper really don’t come by easy, how much stress and sweat it takes to earn those pathetic few pieces which barely allows you to survive in this world, where money makes it go round. I promise myself, like what my parents have spared me from, i’ll never let my children suffer from the evil side of money. Though saying so, i wonder if i even want to have children in future…

In ns, my brain cells seems to be degenerating… As days pass by with only usage of muscles and little of the brains, it seems like i have become more stupid. Maybe cause of so, i fail to realise what is going on around me. Leading an aimless life in ns for more than a year, i guess its time for me to find back the old me, find a aim in life and start working towards it. Maybe books are what i shall start to work on… I really lost touch of this world of mine… Though so, at the same time with my brains less occupied, it got me to realise many sad facts of life…

This much of emoing for now… Saving the rest till next time…

i hope i pray. no matter what it takes. forgive me. i’m sorry.

Recently, i feel that I’m walking on an unlucky path. Nothing feel right and nothing has worked out right. For pretty much no reason, i failed my tp twice, for pretty much no reason, i get easily annoyed… For being just unlucky, i lose on my bets. AND FOR NOW! GET MALIGNED! this is seriously WHAT THE FUCK!

Honestly, when have i ever rejected when asked to help? Whenever i’m approached with a task, since when have i not put in my hundred and ten percent to complete any task that im entrusted with? This time round, it is not that i don’t want to help but just you being freaking impatient and you are blaming me for not helping?! I can’t believe people can be so unreasonable and nonsensical. Here i am trying to do rush for my deadline and there you are asking me to help for a plain reason that you just came back from the garage and you are lazy to go back! What the hell is such an excuse. Furthermore, i didn’t even rejected your request! I even took over the documents, ready to go over! Can’t you wait a little while, while people work out the very last bit of the table that we have spent hours on? It is your impatience that you took over the documents and say that you will go over yourself, and here you are complaining that we refused to help! WHAT A JOKE!

Damn. but somehow this brought me to realise something… No matter how hard you work, no matter how much effort you put in, you will not be recognise. No one really cares and what you do are often taken for granted, like you have you and are meant to do. Fuck! But i owe you nothing dude! Wake up your idea. Seriously… After much that happened recently, i realised it’s not about how capable you are, not about how much effort you put in. Everything here is about you aceing your IPPT and passing your SOC. As long as you attain the 2 requirements, you are a good soldier, you are the best! If you don’t, no matter what you do, you are nothing! On the contrary, if you do, even if you are someone who slackens off much, even if you are someone who can be happily enjoying yourself while people sweat like mad in the garage, you can be crowned a good soldier or even the best.

Damn. I hate this.

Today marks the end of  a week of block leave. (>.<) Sometimes you really can’t go for such long breaks for you will not want to go back after getting a taste of how good civilian life can be.

Went Batam with Johnny, ShiDa, KianTat, Royston, Noel Tan, Nicholas, WeiShi, ZiKai, Noel Aug on the 12th – 13th  June 2010!  This is the very first time i go on a overseas trip with my friends (not considering saf trips like that to new zealand) and its really a different feel as to going overseas with your family. Just like everything else, there are pros and cons to going overseas with your friends. Pros being more fun with people of your age, much daring to try out every single stuff available, people of common interest hence maximising the time spent overseas… Cons being you really have to be super budget conscious. HAHA! Being overseas with your parents can easily mean you just buy any and everything that you like without having to worry that you run out of cash. LOLS!

Anyways, this trip to Batam has been a pretty fun and fulfilling one. Went to try out lots of stuff like water sports which is seriously addictive, making me feel like flying to thailand to try out more of such sports, which are supposedly more challenging. Enjoyed the time over at the bridge’s restaurant where such a sumptous meal cost nothing but ten plus dollars per person! HAHAS. Though counting their currencies is quite a hassle, but looking at the many zeros that you have makes you feel like a millionnaire! Shopping there could easily get up to a million plus… XD Looking forward to the next overseas trip!

Urgh… Seriously can’t stand the idea that today is the end of the block leave… I don’t wanna go back~ Although what weijian says is pretty true, that at least i have a group of fun-loving campmates making life in camp much better than what it might have been. But still~~~ Guess once i get back to camp i’ll feel less of this reluctance to return when i get to see my fellow comarades. HAHA! lets hope that will be the case bahs. (>.<)

When i was driving on the road today, i thought i’ll sure pass this test, with everything going on so super smoothly… but when i stepped out of the car and saw my instructor, he just said “凶多吉少”. i was still thinking why he said that when my driving today was rather ok… Now i know why… Cause the tester that i got is famous for not passing people’s tp. Even the counter’s assistant said the same thing. =.= why am i always that unlucky?

Maybe im just not fated to pass this driving shit… Giving up.

Went to beauty world plaza with johnny this afternoon (kinda a last-minute decision) and bought some stuff for a secret making… HAHS. Never judge a book by its cover fits perfectly on him… A hard cover book with soft pages within is how i think we can describe him to be. LOLS.

Sometimes, it really is a joy to be making special things for special someone… and this makes me feel like having a special someone to make special things for. LOLS. Anyways, it feels kinda good to be slacking around after a considerably hectic week…

GRR… Chem defence week ahead… Heard lots of stories bout this really sucky course, but oh wells, guess one have no choice but to endure through these 2 days of sufferings. Lets just hope that we will not need to kiss our nights out goodbye because of this.

*Praying that everything will go on well *